Designer kids are now teenagers, and some of them need therapy because of it

In these houses, a high value is placed on achievement. I think the way these kids are created sends the message: “You’re not good enough. You need to achieve. You’re not accepted.”

When children suffer, it is especially devastating. Some babies have disabilities since they were born prematurely, which was a big risk with IVF. Or they have learning differences or autism.

Sometimes, parents choose an egg donor and later discover that she has psychological problems. The child is then viewed through that lens, which can be very devastating and traumatic: “Your donor is crazy, so you must be too.”

The child grows up feeling very different, knowing it has been an experience but not getting the proper support or acceptance they need to thrive. Because no caregiver says, “I understand you.” There is none of that.

In my work, I help parents accept: This is the child you have. I help children accept the reality of their parents and have a less abusive relationship – or build a life without them.

Many of my families have neurodiverse members who need help making abstract concepts more concrete. Sometimes simply explaining, “You and your child are not the same person” is the answer. Or say that the teenager does not feel loved. Maybe I need to explain to them that “love” is not a tangible feeling, like being pinched or kicked. It means that someone feels love for you the same way you feel love for Legos or drones.

In high school, many teens connect with their half-siblings through 23andMe, sometimes those who live all over the world. It is common in these families to have different egg donors for different children because they tried, for example, to have an athletic son and an artistic daughter. What do you do when one of your children finds and bonds with their half-siblings, but your other child doesn’t have a good experience with their new relatives? Who do you invite to Thanksgiving?

I really feel for the mothers. They try to balance everyone’s expectations and bring it together. But this is unfair to parents too. Because I’m not sure parents can accurately predict human behavior. Maybe they can predict stocks, but human behavior has too many variables. I don’t know if anyone makes sure parents understand that they can’t test drive a child and then bring them back.

Trying to control your child is a recipe for disaster. The child will rebel. If you have a preconceived idea of ​​how they will be, you will either be severely disappointed or you will push them into a mold and it won’t work.

Maybe sometimes it works, but those people don’t come to me.

-As told to Amy Netfield